Realization of mortality

I can remember doing things as a child and getting hurt. I would soldier on and suck it up. As a male this is what you're taught to do. We're supposed to "Sack up" and take it like a man! We're not supposed to cry even though we're hurting physically and emotionally.
I can remember doing things that didn't hurt me physically, but were bad for me in other ways. Staying up late and not getting the proper amount of rest. Not eating properly and malnourishing my body.

It wasn't until I had done this and lived this way for years that I recognized the error of my ways. I realized that I am mortal. I have read the stories of other people who have the disease and the thing that we have in common is our former active lifestyle. We were like Ant Man able to do things that mere mortals couldn't do. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with this disease that I realized that I was mortal and I couldn't do superhuman feats anymore.

I still do superhuman things, but as a human being.

Submission

I thought about this topic for a long time before I wrote about it. As a mobile DJ for 31 years I have heard my share of couples recite wedding vows and not to sound cynical, but most of it is empty rhetoric.
In this era of women's rights and equal opportunity, people miss Biblical principles. I believe in women's rights and equal opportunity. I also believe that Biblical teaching trumps all of that. I believe that women should submit to a God fearing husband.
I say that because most of us forget the second part of the wedding vow which requires husbands to love their wives like Jesus loved the church. He gave his life for the church. (We conveniently forget that part.)
I submit that a woman will submit to a God fearing husband willingly. Especially if she knew that he loves her like Jesus Christ loves the church.
This is based on the Biblical teachings of Ephesians 5:22-33.

Patience

Patience is a learned behavior. We're not born with it. A toddler usually exhibits a lack of patience when they don't get their way. They pout and fold their arms to display their displeasure with your decision. As adults we often do the same thing when we don't get our way.
This is displayed as passive aggressive or even aggressive behavior. We pout and fold our arms.
I would propose that most of the world's conflicts have their root cause in a lack of patience. Think about it. When someone doesn't do something when you want it or they do something that you didn't want them to do you pout. You react by doing something to annoy them.
On a large scale wars have started this way and on a small scale it's why there's divorce or friendships dissolve.

It's official: I'm a SME on living with MS

It's official. I am officially an expert on living with a chronic condition. I didn't get a certificate. I just have a handicapped placard to hang from the rearview mirror of my car... Cool, huh!?
As an expert I am qualified to speak on behalf of me because this disease is so unique that no two people are the same who have MS. I go to a MS Support Group meeting once a month and the way that the disease presents is different for each of us. Some of the guys work at a job. Some of us can't work because we're on disability. One of the guys jogs five miles a day. One us struggle to make it from the car to the meeting room with a bag of water bottles each month.
A couple of the guys ride motorized scooters and a couple of the guys you wouldn't know that they had the disease if they didn't tell you.
The thing that we all have in common is that we're fighters and we're determined to not let our conditions win!

Choices - Part II

I went to see the biopic featuring NWA, Straight Outta Compton! It's always interesting to see where the characters are based on the decisions that they made. Dr. Dre and Ice Cube are now incredibly wealthy based on their choices. Queen Latifah was a rapper who acts in movies and sings Opera now.
Is there a gene that makes some of us predisposed to make good decisions? There is a quote which says that life is made of 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it. How are you responding to what happens in your life?

Perspective

The concept of perspective has always fascinated me. I first learned about it in Art class. It describes how a tree or building looks shorter when you are farther from it.
After living on the planet for more than fifty years, I can apply it to my life. Perspective not only applies to distance from an object but also the angle that you look from. I'm reminded of the story of the blind man who described an elephant totally different when he was at the trunk than he did at the tail.
When I think about my life I have had the opportunity to do things that the average person hasn't done. I've been places that the average person hasn't been. I have truly been blessed. From their perspective many people would say that my life has taken a turn for the worse since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I submit to you that my life is still on an upward trajectory. I continue to be challenged with things that I didn't think that I could do. Go places that I didn't think that I could go. People have helped me that I didn't expect.
Even now with my challenges I have many things to be thankful for. Thank God!

Event Planner

I have always been a planner. It has been the thing that made me a success in business. I am borderline OCD with my planning. I used to marvel at how Event Planners would obsess about what they did. That's why this latest challenge is so special! It's perfect! I have to think of every detail and contingency. Is the venue on one floor? How far is the parking lot from the event? What is the temperature? How far is the Men's restroom?
All of these things swirl around in my head while others don't give them a second thought. The trick is to make things like going to the movies a common event. As a result I have refused to have a harness. I choose to walk this tightrope without a net Cirque de Soleis style. It's much more exciting that way. Will he fall? The audience gasps with disbelief! Level of difficulty: 10.

Backstage

I have had several experiences with well known musicians in the past as a photographer and audio engineer. It was during this time before or after the concert that you got to see the "real" person when they weren't trying to show their public persona.
I had some good interactions and some not so good ones. I've never understood why some people think that they're better than you because they're famous. They have a talent that people are willing to pay for. They should be grateful not obnoxious.
When they were backstage you got to see what the artist was really like. I remember one concert that I was covering as a photographer for a local newspaper for an unnamed female artist who you all know. During the sound check before the concert she read the "riot act" to her sound technicians because she wasn't satisfied with the sound in the venue. I guess she got "caught up in the rapture" and voiced her displeasure.
I like her music, but I can't help but think about this incident when I hear her songs.

Choices

I had to buy gasoline today and I went to Costco gas station. It was a lot more crowded than I thought it would be at this time of day, but I stayed in the line because I didn't have anywhere to be so I waited.
As I neared the front of the line I made another choice. (Are you keeping track of my choices so far?) I decided to get gas on the side that would make it a challenge for me because of my balance issue. I made this decision because there wasn't a line of cars on that side.
I pulled up to the gas pump and paid for the gas. It was time for the performance. Ladies and gentlemen take your seat while Marcus performs his masterpiece! I took the gas pump with one hand and attempted to reach the driver's side of the car where the gas tank is. It was a brilliant performance to this point. I almost got the nozzle all the way over to the driver's side of the car. A lady from another car appeared from no where and helped me stretch the gas hose over to the other side of the car. A young man who works at Costco gas came over and assisted her and told me that he would pump the gas for me. I made small talk with him after I thanked the lady for helping me.
The young man finished pumping the gas while I stood there and he gave me the receipt for the fuel. I thought about the choices that I had made so far. I didn't even have to "pay" for the poor choice because I had help.

We Want the Same Thing.

I'm fascinated by the relationships that individuals have with other people. I'm especially curious about the length of the relationship. Some relationships last for decades and some don't last a week before fading out.
I look at relationships like a sort of Venn diagram of our lives. There is a greater intersection with some than other. We can start by looking at marriage. Theoretically, they should have commonality that lasts indefinitely. At least that's what they say.
I look at people who I've known for years! We've dined together. Been to each other's homes. Even been the godparents of their children and now... This has been an age old question for me. In many cases there was no argument or disagreement. The relationship between us just fizzled out. I guess that if I knew the answer to this question then I wouldn't be writing this blog post. Have a good day friend.

Community

Human beings are social creatures. Even the most introverted people need interactions with other people. Some people try to substitute the companionship of a pet with human to human communication. Each of us know of people who don't like people. On television or in the movies. Even in our personal lives.
The question is why is human connection so critical to our experience? The primary reason is that most of us rely on a person or group of people for our existence. Even if we live alone with twenty cats we have to go to the grocery store and buy them food. We take them to the veterinarian and other places that cats go. I am part of Facebook groups and other Internet websites that promote community with other people. The thing that I like is that it doesn't require verbal communication. It's all written. I like writing. It's what I do.
Even as a child I would write girls that I had a crush on. Times were different then. There was no Call Waiting so after a while your parents would pick up the extension and embarrass you by announcing that they needed to use the phone. The other challenge was long distance relationships. I had a crush on a girl who lived in Tucson, Arizona. Long distance calls were very expensive and the least expensive way to communicate was to write. This was before the Internet, so there was no email, Facebook or Instant Messaging. You had to write an actual letter. Place a postage stamp on the envelope and mail it. You would hope that your letter would go out in today's mail and wait.

Music as Medicine

There has been much talk in the news and articles written about the benefits of cannabis for pain management. As Geoffrey Holder said in the 7Up commercials from the seventies, "Never had it, never will!"
I've never tried it, but what I have tried is music. Although it isn't as popular as a news topic, much has been written about the benefits of music to alter your state of mind. Exhibit A is my thirty years as a mobile DJ. People are willing to pay good money to have their minds altered musically!
I have always known the intrinsic value of music and there are songs that are tied to significant events in my life. I can't hear the song Sunburst by Lonnie Liston Smith without being reminded of my prom.
Music is my drug of choice and it isn't illegal in any of the fifty states. I use it to improve my state of mind whenever I need to. There is no chance of overdosing either. If you do, I guarantee that you'll survive. Reminds me of the song Love Hangover by Diana Ross.

Onward and Upward!

Two steps forward and one step back. This is the way that progress is often described. As I reflect on my life, I have seen this trend repeated over and over again. There was the time that I moved from California to Texas. At the time I had built a thriving mobile disc jockey business in Los Angeles. I had guys who were working for me and contracts with local venues in L.A. to provide music for their businesses. I even had a contract with a charter yacht company to provide the music for all of their weddings.
My plan was to maintain the business with a toll-free phone number and my network of DJs. Short version of the story; I moved to Texas and didn't maintain the business in L.A. so I had to start over from scratch. When I moved to Texas, I had one contract with my church in Houston providing music for the youth group activities at the church. It took hard work and perseverance and eventually the business grew as large as it had been before in California.

The New Normal

I have finally accepted the new normal. There are so many things that I used to do. I was told that "used to" doesn't live here anymore (so suck it up). I have learned to be thankful for what I can do.
My family and friends are getting used to the new normal too. I think of my friends who have this disease and they fly all over country and do things that some people never do.
I have the same entrepreneurial drive that I had before in a different package. I hesitate to say that it's new and improved, but it's different. I have accepted the new normal.

Loss of Independence

by Marcus I. Brown

Brown Publishing Group

Reading stories about prisoners of war I can imagine that this chapter of their lives must have been a difficult and challenging time.
When I  think about a POW in a war I often think about the fact that the person is confined and can't move about like they want to. They are in a strange and unknown place. Often the biggest toll that it takes on the person is the mental one.
I have never been a POW and so I am not writing from firsthand experience. I have read accounts of prisoners of war and I seek to draw parallels between the prisoner of war experience and a person who has MS.
One thing that I learned from the prisoner of war stories, the Diary of Anne Frank, survivors of the Holocaust and stories about slavery is survival and quality of life is about a state of mind. It isn't so much the physical torture or abuse that they endured, but mental torture.
Smart captors know that and they try to get in the prisoner's head. Multiple Sclerosis is much the same way. I often say that unlike a congenital disease where a person is born without sight, hearing or one of the other senses, Multiple Sclerosis robs a person of abilities that they had. The disease inflicts the cruelest kind of torture; loss of independence that the person had before.
My story begins ten years ago when my sons were kids and I would play with them in the backyard. We played football. My sons against dad. I noticed that I couldn't "cut" or change direction quickly when I was running with the football. I went to the doctor and he said, "It's nothing...a lot of people who are are in their forties have that problem." I knew that NONE of my friends have that issue. He sent me to a cardiologist. Total waste of money!
I thought that it was vertigo. Meanwhile Multiple Sclerosis was slowly taking my independence. Like a thief in the night, it was quiet and invisible. Unlike a prisoner of war there wasn't any torture. There were questions though. These questions didn't come from a captor. They came from me.
"Why was this happening to me?" The next torture technique occurred while I was walking around the neighborhood with my friend. We usually walked three times a week throughout the neighborhood. We would walk on the sidewalk side by side. I kept veering onto his side one day and he said, "Man, you'd better have that checked out!"
The final torture technique happened when I went hot tubbing with a friend of mine one weekend. The heat beat me down and I literally had to be helped out of the hot tub and to the car. I still hadn't been diagnosed so these were unrelated incidents in my mind. I was slowly being robbed... Robbed of my independence. I didn't even realize it at the time.
I went to a different doctor this time. I "fired" the other doctor. The new doctor said he was going to order a MRI. I saw a neurologist at the same clinic and she said that the results of my MRI pointed to several different diseases and the only way they would know for sure is that I have a lumber puncture or spinal tap.
I still haven't been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, but the thief is in my body! In all of movies that I've seen where they held Prisoners of war, the captor would gradually deprive the prisoner of certain things like light, food and clothing. Multiple Sclerosis is a lot like a captor. It can deprive you of light (optic neuritis), food (loss of appetite) and clothing (heat or cold intolerance).
At the same time that I was having the MRI and the lumbar puncture I was going through another kind of torture. I was going through a divorce. That's another story altogether! I said that to say that I didn't have health insurance when I got the lumbar puncture and the procedure was done gratis by a neurologist in Sugar Land, TX.
I was finally diagnosed April 15, 2010. I began another chapter of my life...